Breakin' Don
by Ghostwriter71
Summary: What happens when it's a sunny day, and the Cullens can't be at school to protect poor Bella?   This is comedy here, Twihards-if you love Bella, don't read it...and certainly don't come after me with torches and pitchforks!


Breakin' Don

Of course, it had to be on a sunny day that it would happen! Donald Jones, the school jerk (or "player", as some would call him) started hitting on Bella before school even started, and kept bugging her all day. Maybe he knew about Edward and Bella, maybe he didn't. But either way, he bugged the snot out of Bella all during school—even lunch! He ignored Mike when he tried to come to Bella's aide. He ignored Angela when she warned him that he better treat Bella nice. And he ignored Bella when she told him to "BACK OFF, JERK!"—at least until she elbowed him in the face. Then he got mad and grabbed Bella, and kissed her. So Bella had scratched him, and he'd finally stopped.

But Bella was mad—oh yeah, she was mad! And she knew what to do—she'd tell Edward! That would fix Donald! Edward wanted Bella to always be happy, and right now, she wasn't happy! She drove fast—well, as fast as her truck would go—to the Cullens' house. Pulling up in front, she ran inside shrieking, "EDWARD!"

He met her at the door, alerted to her arrival by the sound of her truck. "What is it, love?" he said, embracing her as she cried.

"I was NOT happy today! You weren't there, and that stupid Donald boy KISSED ME!" She wailed.

Edward's eyes widened. "He-he _kissed _you? Uh, who's Donald?"

"That stupid foot ball guy! Edward, I want you to SMASH him!"

Edward chuckled nervously. "Now, let's not be hasty, my angel. After all—he's a big guy!"

"Ugh!" Bella said, stamping her foot. "So what? You're a vampire! I want you to SMASH him!"

"All right!" Yelled Emmett, walking into the room. "Who do we get to smash?"

That gave Edward an idea—he'd get Emmett to beat him up. "Yeah, there's this guy at school that kissed Bella since I wasn't there today! Can you believe it?"

Emmett growled.

"Who kissed Bella?" asked Alice, as she danced over to the group.

"Some dead guy named Donald, that's who!" Replied Emmett through clenched teeth.

"A dead guy?" replied Jasper, walking up, wide-eyed. "You mean there's a zombie at the school? COOL! Let's go check it out! I just watched 'Shawn of the Dead', and I know what to do!" He reached into the closet and pulled out a Cricket bat.

"No, no," Emmett said, rolling his eyes. "He's not dead yet—but he _will _be!" He rubbed his hands together.

"You mean after I bash him with my bat, he'll be a zombie?" asked a confused Jasper.

"NO! There are NO ZOMBIES!" Yelled Bella.

"Damn," muttered Jasper, putting the Cricket bat back in the closet. "I wanted to smash some zombies!" He pouted, and Alice ruffled his hair. "

There, there. What if a zombie bit you? Then you'd turn into one!"

"Yeah, and there'd be a vampire zombie running around," said Rosalie walking down the stairs. "And when the smashing starts, I'd get blood on my new clothes!"

"Cool! I-I mean, how interesting! A vampire zombie!" Exclaimed Carlisle, walking in the front door. "What a chance for research and study! Where is it?"

"THERE ARE NO ZOMBIES ANYWHERE!" Shrieked Bella, stamping both of her feet now. "I just want Eddie to smash a boy at school who kissed me! And he won't do it!"

"Ooh! Ooh! I will! I will!" Yelled Emmett, bouncing up and down and waving his hand in the air.

"Emmett! I don't want you to go off and fight any strange humans!" Rosalie pouted. "I want you to stay here and tell me how wonderful I am!"

"Aww, Rose, I can do that anytime! I wanna hit somebody!"

"Calm down! Everyone just stop and think!" Replied Esme. "Violence never solves anything! Now, what happened?"

"AUGH!" Bella screamed. "Why do I have to keep repeating myself? A boy kissed me, I didn't want him to, and now I want him SMASHED! I was not happy! I am not happy! I MUST be happy!ALWAYS! It says so in the Book! BELLA MUST ALWAYS BE HAPPY, no matter who has to suffer for my happiness!" She glared at Rosalie.

"Who did Bells kiss?" asked Jacob, walking in the door behind Esme, kindly carrying her shopping bags for her. He frowned. "You mean she kissed someone besides Edward or me? What's going on around here?"

"A stupid boy kissed Bella at school today, because we weren't there to protect her," said Alice.

Jacob started to laugh—very loudly—until Bella elbowed him in the gut. Then he stopped and looked very serious.

"Well, in that case, boys—you'd better go smash him, then! Said Esme, smiling kindly. "Come along, Jacob—I need someone tall to paint the ceiling for me." She shoved Jacob into the family room to begin re-decorating. Again.

"But what if he IS a zombie?" asked Jasper. "Can I bring the Cricket bat just in case?"

"I will gouge out the eyes of the next person who says 'zombie'!" growled Bella through clenched teeth.

Edward leaned over and whispered, "Zombies, love!'' Then he smirked at her. Bella shrieked again, and ran off sobbing.

"Good one, Edward," said Rosalie, rolling her eyes.

"Hey!" said Alice. "Bella didn't gouge his eyes out!"

"Well, technically speaking, he said 'zombies', not 'zombie'," explained Carlisle.

Upstairs, Bella began to smash things against the walls and floor. Emmett cringed, and said, "She better not be in my room! That Xbox 360 is top of the line! And so's my TV! Rose! Get up there and stop her!"

"Ugh!" exclaimed Rosalie. "Only Edward can stop that little human brat!" She glared at Edward.

"Let's not start THAT again!" sighed Alice.

Edward sighed. "Ok, I guess I'll have to go smash him, then."

"Ooh! Ooh! Can I come?" asked Emmett.

"Me too?" asked Jasper, wielding the Cricket bat.

Edward sighed again. "All right you guys, let go!"

And so, the Cullen boys smashed Donald, just to make Bella happy. Although, Edward did enjoy it, too. How dare anyone kiss his Bella! And the story continued to go around Forks High School all about the day when the Cullens had been busy Breakin' Don!


End file.
